-//Diary Of Unchained Memories//-

Brokenn

2012-01-09T22:02:00.001+08:00

There are so many broken hearts
So many lives are torn apart
Looking for something, looking for reason
Finding escape in all the wrong places
Getting battered and bruised, blinded and shaken
The world that we live in. This broken nation
People want love, but they don't know where it is
So many homes have broken down
Too many children's hopes fall to the ground
The homeless want freedom, and someone to feed them
But we just walk by and we pretend we don't see them
The broken need love, love can't be broken
And we're running around with our head in the clouds
They say we're wrong when they don't know the answers
And we're trying to figure out if it's fake or the real-world
So we keep running around with our heads in the clouds
And everyone knows it

Leaving Song.

2011-12-25T05:22:00.001+08:00

Fly alone
A careless soul
That sings for everyone
When the world closes

A steady blade
Tears the seal
A fallen angel
Selling secrets
We can steal

While brushing off the rust
We'll go insane
A beaten dog in anguish
Counts his days

So, come down with me
It's time to leave
Come down with me
I think we outta go
It's time to leave

Just Remember

2011-11-30T19:12:00.002+08:00

When it all goes crazy and the thrill is gone
The days get rainy and the nights get long

When you get that feelin' you were born to lose
Staring at your ceiling thinkin' of your blues

When there's so much trouble that you wanna cry
The world has crumbled and you don't know why

When your hopes are fading and they can't be found
Dreams have left you waiting, friends have let you down

When you need a lover and you're down so low
You start to wonder, but you never know

When the blues come callin' at the break of dawn
The rain keeps fallin', but the rainbow's gone

When you feel like crying but the tears won't come
When your dreams are dyin', when you're on the run

Just remember..
And it will be alright.

2011-11-20T13:06:00.001+08:00

To see you when I wake up
is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
is a three-fold, utopian dream.
You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said,
I miss you.
I see your picture, I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days, but already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again
whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care
and I miss you.

Alone

2011-11-01T20:17:00.002+08:00

Empty spaces with shadows hit by streetlights
Warnings signs and weight of tired conversations
In the absence of a shoulder, in the abscess of a thief
On the brink of this destruction, on the eve of bittersweet
Now all the demons look like prophets and I'm living out
Every word they speak
I cannot trust these voices
But I don't have a line of prospect
That can give some kind of peace
There’s nothing left to cling on
That can bring me sweet release
I have no fear of drowning
It’s the breathing that's taking all this work
Now do you know what I mean when I say
I don’t want to be alone
What I mean when I say
I don’t want to feel alone?
Just in case, I will leave my things packed
So I can run away

Not that Different

2011-10-30T13:17:00.003+08:00

She said we're much too different
We're from two separate worlds
And he admitted she was partly right
But in his heart's defense he told her
What they had in common
Was strong enough to bond them for life
He said look behind your own soul
And the person that you'll see
Just might remind you of me

She could hardly argue
With his pure and simple logic
But logic never could convince a heart
She had always dreamed of loving someone more exotic
And he just didn't seem to fit the part
So she searched for greener pastures

But..
I laugh, I love, I hope, I try
I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry
And I know you do the same things, too
So we're really not that different, me and you..

Void

2011-09-28T20:12:00.002+08:00

I spent most of my life loving those who leave me and leaving those who love me.
I'm such a mess.

It’s that time of the year again. I always wondered why bad stuff always happens during this period of time. I just don’t want to be alone again. It really sucks. The loneliness. The empty pit. Just falling and falling endlessly with no start or send. When I close my eyes I just see myself in a pitch black environment and no matter how far I reach out or run there is still nothing. Maybe that’s why I believe in nothingness. Cause that’s all that I am. That’s the only thing I know.

Honestly the only thing that keeps me going is the hope that someday I will find someone to fill that void. But the sad fact is every day I believe in that a little less and a little less and a little less and that sucks.

Oh well..

Happy Birthday to me.

2011-09-25T08:11:00.001+08:00

Morning comes too early and nighttime falls too late
And sometimes all I can to do is wait
I know it's easier to walk away than look it in the eye
But I will raise a shelter to the sky
And here beneath this star tonight I'll lie
She will slowly yield the light
As I awaken from the longest night

My Walls

2011-09-18T23:38:00.001+08:00

It is so hard for me
To find the words to say
My thoughts are standing still
Captive inside of me
All emotions start to hide
And nothing's getting through
So much uncertainty
I don't like this feeling
I'm sinking like a stone
Each time I try to speak
There's a voice I'm hearing
And it changes everything
Watch me fading
I'm losing
All my instincts
Crawling from
The wreckage of my silence
Falling into darkness
Once again.

2011-09-18T11:42:00.002+08:00

You're not a person; you're a disease.
All these lives that you've been taking
Deep inside, my heart is breaking
The world outside these walls may know you're breathing,
But you ain't comin' in.
It's so wrong, but you'll see.
I’m never gonna let you take my world from me

Dear God.

2011-09-17T01:26:00.002+08:00

Dear god I’m writing this letter to you
Cause I don’t have a clue
Can you help me?

I’m sitting here
Simply trying to figure out
What my life’s all about it
Can you tell me?

I never wanted to be
The person you see
Can you tell me who I am?

I always wanted to die
But you kept me alive
What do you want from me?

I lie awake conducting this symphony,
That you have gifted to me,
But I can’t ever sleep

Don’t be mad
But I get weak inside
And I start to fall apart
Cause I feel nothing

I never wanted to be
Some kind of comic relief
Please show me who I am

I been tortured and scorned
Since the day that I was born
But I don’t know who I am

And I thank you man for everything
Sorry I’m so frightened about all of this
But I wish I could give you more

And all the lights are shining down on me
And I feel intimidate by it all

Oh god please tell me now
Are you disappointed? Are you proud?
Haven’t I done EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING!

I’m so sorry I’m so weak
And I’ve turned into a freak
But I don’t know ANYTHING, ANYTHING!

I’ve lost all self-esteem
By burying everything
And I feel NOTHING, NOTHING!

Oh god please tell me now
Oh god please tell me now
Cause I feel nothing

And dear god I’m writing this letter to you
I am coming unglued
Please help me!

Old Times

2011-09-17T00:37:00.002+08:00

Remember the good old times
Moon was so bright and so close to us
When we were still blind and deaf
What a bliss..
Painting the world of our own
For our own two eyes
Till One cloudy day we both lost the game
We drifted so far and away..

Unable to cope with what you said
Sometimes we need to be cruel to be kind
Child that I was, could not see the reason
Feelings I had were but sham and a lie
You always saw us clearer than me
How we were never meant to be
Love denied meant the friendship would die
Now I have seen the light
These memories make me cry

But I have never forgotten your smile
As times went by, many memories died
And I'm writing this down to ease my pain
Can I ever have what I had then?
Friendship unbroken
Love means nothing to me
Without blinking an eye
I'd fade, if so needed,
All those moments with you
See the world with my wide open eyes

Friendship got broken
There's no other for me
Like the one of my childhood
Can you forgive me?
Love got better off me,
On that day back in the old times..

2011-09-10T10:04:00.004+08:00

So check it out right, I've tried every approach to living. I've tried it all. I haven't tried every thing, but I've tried every approach. Sometimes you have to try everything to get the approach the same, but whatever. I've tried it all. I've bought a buncha stuff. I went "ehh, I don't like that." I kinda came in and out of that a coupla times.

I thought I would shut myself off. I thought maybe that's cool. Maybe that's what you have to do to become a genius is you have to be mad. So if you can get mad before the word genius, then maybe you can make genius appear. Right? That doesn't work either.

And I'm in a good place. I've paced myself pretty well. I'm 30, I've seen some cool stuff. I made a lot of stuff happen for myself. I made a lot of stuff happen for myself. That's a really cool sentence when you're in your 20s, right? "I made it happen for myself." But all that means is that I've just somehow or another found a way to synthesize love. Or synthesize soothing. You can't get that, and what I'm saying is I've messed with all the approaches except for one, and it's gonna sound really corny, but that's just love. That's just love.

I've done everything in my life that I've wanted to do except just give and feel love for my living. And I don't mean like, uh, Roman candle, fireworks, Hollywood hot pink love. I mean, like, "I got your back"-love. I don't need to hear "I love ya." You guys love me. I love you. We got that down. But some of the people who would tell you they love ya were the last people to just have your back. So I'm gonna experiment with this love thing. Giving love. Feeling love. I know it's corny but it's the last thing I've got to check out before I check out.

- "Bold As Love (Live)," from Where the Light Is, by John Mayer

Sometimes you gotta just still your mind and heart and appricate the little things you have now.

2011-09-07T21:31:00.003+08:00

It’s amazing to me how when I stop the incessant mental chatter, and actually just see things, I am blown away by how beautiful they are. The trees swaying, the leaves blowing around on the ground, the waves crashing on the shore. The simplest of things have the most profound beauty. But you can only see them if you’re really there. If your mind is brooding, if you’re off somewhere else, you’ll completely miss them.

Life is mostly made up of routines and patterns. Every day we act them out and they are what make up the bulk of our lives. Many of us live according to a socially acceptable template, within the realm of safety, while living repetitively and dreaming of ways to escape.

I used to revolt against these routines. I saw them as the enemy of adventure and of living a spontaneous life. However, I’ve found that routines can be quite blissful. I’ve realized that every day events and what we would commonly classify as “normal”, is often extraordinary if you just take a closer look.

I’ve discovered that even if you’re not exactly where you’d like to be, that doesn’t mean that life right now can’t be beautiful or enjoyable. And the best part is, you don’t have to do anything to make it beautiful. It already is beautiful.
All you have to do is open your eyes.

It was a grey day, with lots of clouds.

2011-08-30T22:05:00.008+08:00

Some things in life that happen.
I'll never understand.
Things lately have been tough.
I think you probably gathered.
I don't know why.
I don't know the reasons.
For people behaving in such a way.
I'm slowly slipping into oblivion.
Don't let my mask fool you.
I really cant help it.
As much as i hate it.
That smile has to be there all the time.
Who would like me if it wasn't.
I'm not looking for freedom from the storm.
Just need some peace amid it.
A little would do.
Just to feel a little better.
Sometimes i feel like I'm slowly fading.
Like a part of me is missing.
But how do you loose.
A part you never knew.
My heart feels so broken.
Dreams so shattered.
Emotions running wild.
But hurt is all i can feel.
Let me just drift away on still waters.
I want to be alone
But i don't want to feel alone.
Mysterious and Beautiful
Or just plain Stupidity.
I want to be simple.
Can i be simple?

2011-08-23T19:31:00.004+08:00

I saw this somewhere and thought it was cute..
Kinda true though. :)

You eat, you’re fat.
You don’t eat, you’re a freak.
You drink, you’re an alcoholic.
You don’t drink, you’re a pussy.
You read, you’re a nerd.
You don’t read, you’re stupid.
You tell a secret, you’re an attention seeker.
You don’t tell a secret, you’re still attention seeking.
You let someone in, you’re easy.
You don’t let someone in, you’re too uptight.
You smoke, you think you’re cool.
You don’t smoke, you’re a loser.
You’ve had sex, you’re a slut.
You haven’t had sex, you’re a frigid little bitch.
You wear make up, you’re a slag.
You don’t wear make up, you’re ugly.
You can’t please anyone, never ever.

I believe in the Lord but he don't show up anymore

2011-08-18T12:13:00.001+08:00

If a man can't lie, how can he speak?
If the sun don't rise, would the moon be out of reach?
If you can't trust the wind, who can you trust?
If you can't love sin, who can you love?
If I begin will you let me finish up?
If I fell down would you pick me up?
If I don't drink from a silver cup, like you,
Would you say so long, farewell, and good luck?
So go on and tear it up
Black and cold with the dust
'Cause I believe in the Lord
But he don't show up anymore

2011-08-14T18:35:00.001+08:00

In the deepest streets
In the coldest thoughts
I am a reckless survivor
Dreaming in poetry
As a small pebble
Tucked away
Under the entire
Weight
Of the universe.

What ever happened to romance?

2011-08-13T12:46:00.002+08:00

What ever happened to romance?
What ever happened
to the corny love letters,
to the long quiet strolls,
to the nights staring at the stars and the moon,
to simply enjoying the presence of the other.
What ever happened to it all?

2011-08-13T11:43:00.001+08:00

Is there anyone out there thats gonna see me for who i am and not what i am?

The Question is not how do we fill that void. The Question is: how do we live with the longing?

2011-08-07T23:28:00.002+08:00

I'm putting all my things in boxes
I'm gonna throw it all away
I think I've got a good idea but
Who am I to say

I'm burning all the things you gave me
Erasing all my memories
I thought you were the one to save me
I was so naive

I'm gonna run to the horizon
I'm gonna lay on the ground
Feel the rain that's coming down
I'm about to lose control
So, I'm gonna let it all go

I think it’s time I started over
I think I'll sail away from here
I'm gonna make a great escape
Now watch me disappear

My Insanity

2011-08-06T12:25:00.005+08:00

Mindless tyranny, forgotten victims
The helpless minds of all
Clutch yourself as you fall
Children slaughtered in vain
Raping the maids, in which they serve
Satan watches all of us
Smiles as some do his bidding
Watch as flowers decay
On the cryptic life that died
And the games still go on
With a warning to the bishop from the pawn
Never thinking that the wind could ever fail
No one sees an angel till it smashes to the ground
The wisdom of the wizards
Is only a nurtured lie
Black knights of Hell's domain
Walk upon the dead
Satan sits upon
The blood of which he feeds
Try to escape the grasp of his hand
And your life will no longer exist
Hear our cry and save us from
The Hell in which we live
No one gets to heaven till they've lived awhile in hell
And even then it's rare
That you'll be going there
Now we understand
The wisdom of the years
And why the wishes in the well have all gone dry
Like a tear in the ocean
Dust in the wind
A stone in the water
Just another face without a name
Fall forever and never look behind

Life

2011-08-06T00:09:00.002+08:00

Learning to love life by living through loss and mistakes.
Lessons learned and gradually surfacing, letting go, striping
naked to scream. I am not perfect nor do I strive to be. I am
alive in this world of face first falls and public breakdowns. I
am a retarded disfigured clown dying to be heard for the simple
art of letting this heavy wall finally fall. I am an equal being
of no race or colour, a hallucination if you will. Sneaking into
the lives of strangers and letting them fall apart to a new
rhythm just to feel better.

Life may be meaningless but death I still have hope for..

2011-07-29T21:41:00.007+08:00

Isn't it funny how everything always seems to fall apart at the same time.
How many times has the heart been through the grinder? So battered and bruised. So broken and confused. When life is finally done with me I wonder how this heart of mine will look. You know i really don't ask for much. Just for someone to love and care for and be treated the same way. I just don't understand why everyone seems to be able to find that someone while i just get.. i can't find a word to describe the people i meet.
Sometimes i feel like no matter how hard i struggle, life is just there gently coaching and nudging me off the edge. Like life itself is rejecting me from.. well life.
Right now im just so sick and tired of trying, so tired of learning from all the mistakes i make. So used to all this heartach that i cant remember what it feels like to smile..
But if theres one thing i still beleive in.. Is the will to change.

My concious lays a little heavy tonight

2011-07-27T20:00:00.001+08:00

Why am i here back here again
To the point where it all began
The empty boxes on the stairs
Reminds me that no one’s there
Everything i thought would be
I could no longer see

As the tears they fall
I carry on on my own
Running and running now
I fall on my knees
Wondering how i lived in regret
Of those last words i said

Oh can i go back to where it all began
Where the boxes remained unpacked
To the night where we looked up at the stars
Where you told me you will always be
Be there for me

But where was I
Even moments before
I wouldn’t bring myself there
Scared of what i would see
So black so dark so deep
Now all those memories
Just keeps you alive in me

Dear God
Would you just give me one more minute
Let me turn things back
To how everything should be
Maybe then ill find
The thing that will set me free

Winter Flower

2011-07-23T01:10:00.000+08:00

In love with the maiden, flower of winter
Singing a love song, words of a stranger
Poison crazy lush, screaming daisies
Melody of a lost song, drowning a killer
Burned by the embers of love, so cruel
Wherever you look a painful reminder
Howling for night, sun of the midnight
Late-night innuendo, temptation of the key

We are the Music-makers

2011-07-18T19:21:00.003+08:00

We are the music-makers
And we are the dreamers of dreams
Wandering by lone sea-breakers
And sitting by desolate streams
World-losers and world-forsakers
Upon whom the pale moon gleams
Yet we are the movers and shakers
Of the world forever, it seems.

With wonderful deathless ditties
We build up the world's great cities
And out of a fabulous story
We fashion an empire's glory
One man with a dream, at pleasure
Shall go forth and conquer a crown
And three with a new song's measure
Can trample an empire down.

We, in the ages lying
In the buried past of the earth
Built Nineveh with our sighing
And Babel itself with our mirth
And overthrew them with prophesying
To the old of the new world's worth
For each age is a dream that is dying
Or one that is coming to birth.

Masks

2011-06-26T06:15:00.000+08:00

We all wear masks. Everyone, everyday. Sometimes we wear them so much that we forget who we really are. And sometimes, if we're lucky, someone comes along and shows us who we really wanna be. Who we should be.

Lazy Saturday Morning

2011-06-18T09:19:00.006+08:00

The sun is up
Hidden by the clouds
The air is cold
A little too cold
The land is silent
And no one knows
I sit alone
Wondering why
About the things
That have gone by
Shots fired to the sky
Are now returining
So where will you hide
From the laughter
In the closets of our lifes
The door hinges are squeaking
Letting in thin shards of light
Oh quiet comfort they invite
On a lazy Saturday morning

Maybe Its Time.

2011-06-09T19:23:00.004+08:00

I used to hate you with no reason why
I was so angry so full of pride
Lost in opinions and innuendos
Knew everything that you didn't know
And i used to think i was sure i was right
And that i knew the truth from a lie

Was i just jealous, bitter and cold
The sins i committed and lies that i told
Had no respect for you only myself
A memory i'm not so fond of as well
And i can honestly say i was wrong
So can you forgive me so i can move on

I know it's sad but true
But I'm no different than you
We are one in the same
Only with different names
Your words runs through my veins
Falls on deaf ears and it's fading
I learned to hate by loving
And maybe its time to follow you..

No Easy Way Out.

2011-06-06T17:57:00.003+08:00

I'm a victim of my instinct
Unraveling and reeling, I think I'm wise.
Our freedom can be deadly
I watch the walls around me, falling down.
I'm prisoned, but believing
Twisting my delusions, you best beware.
My peace can be deceiving
I'm steady in the deep end of despair.
So far away, from safe and sound
I've lost control, I've lost control
Where do I run? Where do I run now?
When everything's come undone
There's no easy way
No easy way
Out.

2011-05-24T16:32:00.000+08:00

Freedom is a length of rope. God wants you to hang yourself with it.

Weathered

2011-05-11T22:47:00.002+08:00

I lie awake on a long, dark night
I can't seem to tame my mind
Slings and arrows are killing me inside
Maybe I can't accept the life that's mine
No I can't accept the life that's mine

Simple living is my desperate cry
Been trading love with indifference
Yeah it suits me just fine
I try to hold on but I'm calloused to the bone
Maybe that's why I feel alone
Maybe that's why I feel so alone

Me?
I'm rusted and weathered
Barely holding together
I'm covered with skin that peels and
It just won't heal

The sun shines and I can't avoid the light
I think I'm holding on to life too tight
Ashes to ashes and dust to dust
Sometimes I feel like giving up
Yeah sometimes I feel like giving up

2011-05-09T10:32:00.002+08:00

Peace
Is what they tell me
Love
Am I unholy
Lies
Are what they tell me
Despise
You that control me

Torn, I'm filthy
Born in my own misery
Stole all that you gave me
Control you claim you save me

The peace is dead in my soul
I have blamed the reasons for
My intentions poor
Yes I'm the one who
The only one who
Would carry on this far

2011-04-12T23:06:00.000+08:00

Time to escape
The clutches of a name
No this is not a game
It's just the beginning
I don't believe in fate
But the bottom line
It's time to pay
You know you've got it coming

I Believe.

2011-04-10T09:44:00.003+08:00

I believe in nothing, not the end and not the start
I believe in nothing, not the earth and not the stars
I believe in nothing, not the day and not the dark
I believe in nothing, But the beating of our hearts

I believe in nothing, not in sin and not in God
I believe in nothing, not in peace and not in war
I believe in nothing, But the truth in who we are

The triumph of irrationality, and the power that is in it.

2011-04-07T17:17:00.005+08:00

Ever thought of how rational thought destroys the soul? We spend a lot of time trying to organize the world. We build clocks and calendars and we try to predict the weather, but what part of our life is truly under our control? What if we choose to exist in a reality of our own making, does that render us insane; and if so - isn't that better than a life of despair?

2011-03-30T21:08:00.003+08:00

The air is cold
Im getting old
And going nowhere
This job is shit
I wanna quit
But choice is scarce
I'm on my knees begging please but you don't care
Everyday seems the same
Another blank stare

I hate this town
And all the sounds
That drive me crazy
I wanna run and buy a gun
But im too lazy
I feel so dead
I feel so numb
I check my pulse
But nothings there
I think im fading

Out to sea
Nothing but waves to surround me
And all i feel is pain
Its the only thing that's real
And all i need
Is time to reflect on the life i lead
I'm lost at sea
Nothing but ocean to drown me in

But all i want is to breathe
To feel like theres a part of me
That still believes
In all my hopes and my dreams
To know that theres a heart that beats inside of me
Again

I created my own Hell and became the Demon that crawled out from it.

2011-03-26T14:57:00.005+08:00

Do you know what hell is? Its not fire and all that stuff they teach you when your little. We make our Heaven and Hell when we are alive. Everytime we cause pain. Every time we cause suffering.

Reliving that all that for eternity. Thats Hell.

My version of Forever seems like an Unrealistic Dream

2011-03-22T21:14:00.004+08:00

This suddenly reminded me about something i wrote a long time ago. It’s saddening but true. But words these days mean nothing to most people. They are only there when they need you but not a mile in sight when they don't. Even the ones closest to you leave you when your down in the trenches. Maybe its just me or my dumb luck.
But this song reminded me of how it feels to be vulnerable. To open youself up completely to someone else and feel totaly safe about it. Maybe one day i will be able to that again...

Chris Medina - What Are Words

Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
Anytime you whisper my name, you'll see
How every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most

What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone

And I know an angel was sent just for me
And I know I'm meant to be where I am
And I'm gonna be

Standing right beside her tonight
And I'm gonna be by your side
I would never leave when she needs me most

What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone

Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
And I'm gonna be here forever more
Every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most

I'm forever keeping my angel close

There are no mistakes in life, only lessons.

2011-03-20T00:29:00.003+08:00

All that stupid fun, all the shit weve done. Where'd the good times go?

Sometimes the littlest thing in life changes something forever and there will be times when you wish you can go back to how things used to be but you just can't because things have changed so much.

It's hard to accept, but you can't change the past. You can't go back and manipulate things to the way you wanted them to happen. But you can change the future and that's a beautiful thing about life. Yes, you will make mistakes. And yes, you will have bad days. But knowing that things were meant to happen. Knowing that each day you will learn something new. Life is like a rope, twined in all its complexities and yet weaved into one marvelous stream that you have the chance you use something amazing from. So...

Grab hold of it!

Take chances. Tell the truth. Date someone totally wrong for you. Say no. Spend all your cash! Fall in love. Get to know someone random. Be random. Say I love you. Sing out loud. Laugh at a stupid joke. Cry. Get revenge. Apologize. Tell someone how much they mean to you. Tell that asshole what you feel. Let someone know what theyre missing. Laugh til your stomach hurts.

And just remember. If you obey all the rules, you'll miss out on all the fun.

I have so very much to say, but no way to say it.

2011-03-08T19:33:00.002+08:00

You know, i really don't know why i keep this blog. I just know i can always turn to it when everything just starts pilling up and i've nothing or nowhere else to turn to. After all I highly doubt anyone reads or understands half the stuff i write anyway.

The conditions under which any one understands me, and necessarily understands me - I know them only too well. Even to endure my seriousness, my passion, one must carry the intellectual integrity to the verge of hardness. One must be accustomed to living on mountain tops - and to looking upon the wretched gable of politics and nationalism as beneath him/her. One must become indifferent and never ask of the truth whether it brings profit or fatality.. One must have an inclination, born or strength, for questions that no one has the courage for; the courage for the forbidden; predestination for the labyrinth. New ears for new music. New eyes for the most distant. A new conscience for truths that have hitherto remained unheard. And the will to economize in the grand manner - to hold together his strength, his enthusiasm... Reverence for self; love of self; and absolute freedom of self...

2011-03-06T13:37:00.002+08:00

Whats the point of being the good guy when God's gonna triumph you anyway.

Calm And Collapsed

2011-02-07T01:06:00.002+08:00

I don't feel anything

Isn't that amazing

I don't want everything

Just a little bit of nothing

But even if it feels strange

It stands apart from nature

Is it just me lyin' here

Or is someone breathing

Why do I live in fear

When I'm not sure you're here

So break me down

And crucify me again

Givin' up a feelin', I'm feelin' no existence

Late at night, two in the morning.

2011-02-03T02:06:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst and then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it.

Wish I could remember the day my head started spilling out all of this, because I’ve come to notice that nothing I ever write really begins or ends anywhere. Maybe if I can find the starting point, I can have faith in an ending. I write the most when words seem to have escaped me verbally.

Ever felt the need to throw everything away in the biggest, dirtiest, loudest, most dramatic way possible?

2011-02-02T00:40:00.002+08:00

“My father’s land, my mother’s tongue
Misleading me so shamelessly
For many years I misbelieved
The hatred is the path for me..”

Father I have killed many angels,
I think I will now walk to the sea.
I hope I will someday forgive me
Please moor
my empty boat on a pier

I can blame for the blue blood that runs in my veins.
But I seem to forget that we are all the same.

In your own blaze of hate you've spawned the fear in many lives
You've taken action thinking it was all said on the signs.
You cannot heal the feeling burning deep inside your spine
You now collapse, cave-in revealing scabby marks of life

Now I have time to dwell on, self awareness, dreadful crime.
I saw the colors too bright, not knowing that I was blind.
I slayed a man who took a chance and drank the forbidden wine.
The map I draw reveals that I have been complete, machine, in team.

Father I've seen too much, I hate to live my life.
Forgot every word you told me. Stubborn little child
I have to find my Eden now, the gates I left behind.
The pain will remain.
No power to gain. No!

Mother where's your son.
When has this begun?
Who has been the fool?
No one was born to be a servant or a slave.
Can you tell me the color of the rain?

In the world that we live in, the things said and done
They can well overrun
To live and let die
To give hope and take life
Is that what you're here for?

To think that you are right
To make sure it won't fly
Is the making of a hate crime

In the lands of the brave,
In the homes of the land slaves,
We are all the same

And I need to believe.
There's more than the eye can see
All colors of rainbow.

In the land we live, we die
praise the oneness, praise the lie
To bind a web around the faker
We will need a true
Rainmaker

"Children of Abel, Children of Cain
Can live in harmony, without shame
The keys that I grant thee, The Sacred Land
Are dry desert sand on the palm of your hand
Without the water, the wisdom of past
Will run through your fingers, forgotten so fast
Thus now when I leave you, I'm truly blind
This blindness, this blessing, the hope of mankind..."

Loneliness is the pits. Especially when you’re watching the rest of the world celebrate.

2011-01-23T00:49:00.002+08:00

my mind rips away from me like a shallow tide, except it doesn’t crash back harder than before. it keeps receding and receding. its as if i tied an anchor to just one side of my body, in a consistent effort to keep my guilt attached to me. the persistence of my infinite memories, in these moments seem to not only haunt – but fully plague me. i stare hazily into my familiar fog, thinking and rethinking my steps, my choice of words, imposing sarcasm, eye contact made, statements slowly spoken by you to a room of uncondemning faces. i think of who i really am, or who i really feel like – late at night when my knees ache so bad from anxious pacing, i have no choice but to sit and ring out my favorite lobed organ into a little box made for text.

mutual is a concept i cant seem to possess. i understand it completely, but it seems to always escape me. it dangles itself in front of me, it dances in front of my eyes, and voila. it dissipates, just like the company that came with it. my appendages all lay in a pile, ready for an architect to rebuild them into something more appealing.

someone once said my life dominated me; i liked that idea. back to square one, isnt so bad of an expression afterall. square one is a new shot, its the big abyss that holds the unknown, i am familiar with this crack. in my typical ways, i always cautiously wander around its borders, peeking down into it. keeping my balance. planting my feet firmly. but eventually, my curiosity gets the best of me. i always felt like a cat, after all. so it would, indeed be curiosity that kills me. i keep edging closer and closer, im on my hands and knees, crawling over the edge, and just then a gust of wind has me dangling inside the mystery’s mouth. i lose my grasp and swallow hard. gravity has always been so good to me.

acceptance, though a gluttonous process of thought; and passion and anger and love and will power and, and, and – never falls short of being miraculous.

i accept: that those that are blind to your beauty, always will be. that you wont ever be anyone but you. that you dont own a time machine (no matter how much as you search the internet for them on your bad days.) that your heart being too big isnt grounds for being taken advantage of. you have made mistakes. its okay to fight, if you feel it. only you can ever truly change yourself. that maybe its best, even if you dont want it to be. the shins probably dont put out music solely for you. butch walker, marc bianchi and devendra banhart, probably dont want to marry you. that you’re getting older and your childhood as you know it; is over. that “if its meant to be, itll happen,” that its okay to want to forget people, and secretly still love them, no matter what the circumstances. that its especially okay to forget the ones that really hurt you. that you got the ultimate revenge, just by being happy in those moments. that sometimes, it just takes, time.

2011-01-19T20:57:00.000+08:00

You show me a sign to rise up from the world we know
And she's strung out on life
He soon rolls his teeth
Spilling out from a mouth fit to overflow
Back into me
She moves and it's fire, fire underwater
Speaks of its flame she speaks my name
Well they all really want you
If only you that wanted them
Lights move in the chalk lines
Chains that define who I am
Straight from the sound
She's seen as a bright sun to anyone
Hollow and mined
With the weight of the world
Trailing out till the last train
Discovers me
Alive on Vine

"Selene"

2011-01-08T00:23:00.001+08:00

Nocturnal poetry,
Dressed in the whitest silver, you'd smile at me
Every night I wait for my sweet Selene

But, still...

Solitude's upon my skin
A life that's bound by the chains of reality
Would you let me be your Endymion?

I would bathe in your moonlight, and slumber in peace
Enchanted by your kiss in forever sleep

In the break of new dawn
My hope is forlorn
Shadows, they will fade
But I'm always in the shade

Without you...

Serene and silent sky
Rays of moon are dancing with the tide
A perfect sight, a world divine

And I...

The loneliest child alive
Always waiting, searching for my rhyme
I'm still alone in the dead of night

Silent I lie with smile on my face,
Appearance deceives and the silence betrays

As I wait for the time
My dream comes alive
Always out of sight
But never out of mind

And under waning moon
Still I long for you
Alone against the light
Solitude am I

In the end, I'm enslaved by my dream
In the end, there's no soul who'd bleed for me

Hidden from daylight, I'm sealed in my cave
Trapped in a dream that is slowly turning to a nightmare
Where I'm all alone
Venial is life when you're but a dream
The book is still open, the pages as empty as me...

I cling to a hope that's beginning to fade,
Trying to break the desolation I hate

But until we unite
I live for that night
Wait for time
Two souls entwine

In the break of new dawn
My hope is forlorn
We will never meet
Only misery and me

This is my final call
My evenfall
Drowning into time
I become the night

By the light of new day
I'll fade away
Reality cuts deep
Would you bleed with me
My Selene

Golden Age

2011-01-03T19:37:00.003+08:00

I wish I lived in the Golden Age

Giving it up on the Broadway stage.
Hang with the rats and smoke cigars

Have a break with Frank and count the stars.

Dressed to the night, we've had to much.

Shiny jewels, casino cash
Tapping feet, wanna take the lead

A trip back in time is all I need

I'm on my way, gonna make it big,

Gonna make the songs for the chicks to dig
It's really hot and a little bit sour

We're getting your strength to maximum power

Flying away from reality

Whatever ever happened to gravity?

I see it clear, a shooting star!

I'm a really good singer la-di-da-da-da!

Ooooh, Silver screen on a rainy day, sally balls in a cabaret.
Shaking sticks, oh what a show

Rushing joy from tip to toe.
Rambling down the boulevard

With a fire burning in a wooden heart.
My mind is set, I walked the line!
But I never really thought it would feel this fine!

Yeah!

Writing; My Soul Exploding On Paper

2010-12-31T14:19:00.004+08:00

I have lived and I have learned.
I have tossed and I have turned.
I have loved and I have lost.
I have listened and I have watched.
I have lied and I have cheated.
I have struggled, but no; I will NEVER be defeated.
I’m just a messy dreamer.
That’s in a mess.
I’m the one… that I only hope she’s been waiting for.

I have big dreams, bigger hopes, and I have something going for me. I’m always reaching for bigger and better things. I’ve got a lust for life and death all the same. I live my life according to my own beliefs. I don’t knock your way of life so don’t even bother discrediting mine.

I’m what you call a bomb in a birdcage: I broke the limit- I destroyed every give a fuck meter I had, I defy all guidelines, I will never be caged nor contained by any standard less than my own. I’m ticking and beating on the inside- and my heartbeat does not know anything more than tragedy and you can observe the ruckus and red paint that I bring to your town. I have a smile that lights up the world, and I have an inner demeanor that screams to hold your hand. I laugh like you’ll laugh with me, and I’d kiss all day if I had the chance. I write like my soul is exploding on paper, and I revolve around most things that people have lost sense of, things that some people kill for; like love, truth, and happiness. And if they talk, I will not alter who I am nor will I let this planet tear me down for its own sad, sorry will. That cage broke a few years ago, that bomb went off and I exploded into my own definition of a person- I am free, I am free.

I’m complex and I have to admit, I am one of the most COMPLICATED human beings alive; I have yet to come to full consciousness of who I am because I am often wide eyed and yet completely oblivious to the world. I’m fully awake with so much desperate energy, yet I am fast asleep in dreams of a world without collision. Though I do hold onto memories so vividly, it is only because I believe, “never a mistake, always a learning lesson.” I no longer live in the rear view mirror. Through the years I have learned to admire those who have the ability to let go; I’d rather be given reason to forgive, for I have learned it is priority. I know I’ve forgiven people when I shouldn’t have, and I’ve failed to ask for forgiveness when I should have, but I’m learning through trial; my heart has learned through my errors. Words will never come close to describing me but I can try and give you just a taste. Get to know me… you might be surprised.

I’ll tell you a secret:

“I know pain and I know hurt and I know what the feeling of isolation is. It is comforting to be scorched and my throat is conformed to the shape of the scream. I know the familiar ache, the familiar burn and surely the feeling of loneliness is easier to swallow when you never leave it. I am a coward with a lion’s roar, and underneath the sound, I am nothing but a child with my hands clutching the side of my skull as if I can pull apart the clarity of reality. I am scared to be vulnerable and I am scared to peel away my shell of terror.”

Sometimes I think I’m just a mess of badly written stories. One where I’m just scrawled veins beneath paper rough skin and set of tragic love tales where I scream for the movement of love, yet the world is set like stone. I wear poorly sketched scars on my heart and body, and beg for mercy as this terrible world never seems to notice my plea for a happy ending. Well let’s just hope I live to tell the tale.

I’d like to be someone’s everything– No, somebody’s something; I’d like to do something that actually doesn’t hurt someone else; I’d like to create something new; I’d like to help people in need that truly need help; I’d like to wander through town holding hands, not caring where I’m going; I’d like to give the longest hug in the history of forever; I’d like to kiss until my lips go numb; I’d like to meet somebody, that nobody else knows about; I’d like to have a secret, that you’d kill to find out; I’d like to take pictures until the lens shatter; I’d like to paint the town red; I’d like to see the world; I’d like to leave; I’d like to meet someone and fall in love when we look into each other’s eyes; I’d like to speak my thoughts; I’d like to see it for myself; I’d like to see through someone else’s eyes; I’d like to live life like I’ll die today. I’d like to live life like I’ll live forever.

Underestimate me– I want you to.

I’m a master at destroying myself but now I’m perfecting the art of building myself back. I am both happy and sad at the same time, and I’m trying to figure out how that could be. I lack the ability to stop loving, and I’ve made so many mistakes and learned so much from them that I’m thinking of making a few more actually. I prove I exist even though I have no set road and no specific sense of direction.

Just a warning- I’m difficult to understand and you can watch how good I am at smiling the pain away; you’ll never guess I’m screaming on the inside.

Wanna see the epitamy of an emotional wreck? You’re lookin’ right at him.

I get bored easily. What I want today might not be what I’ll want tomorrow, and I’m not easily impressed with people at all. I wanna live a life worth living but I feel I’m living day by day honestly.

Apart from my present, I have a rather morbid past that I have the most trouble healing from. I think I’ve died inside so many times and resurrected from my own ashes that I know enough of what life and people have to offer. “Life is only as sweet as your wounds are deep” and with a taste of tragedy, I think you could guess how deep my gashes go.

Unless you were there, unless you had seen it, unless you could feel that pain and seen and done what I have; then don’t judge me. You don’t know, you weren’t there, you never have and never will know every little thing I’ve been through.

To take a step in my shoes and go through what I’ve been through took a lot. I’ve come too far to just give it all away now. Don’t bother placing any negative judgement on me, I no longer have eyes and ears for those type of people.

I have more insecurities than you will ever understand. I can see the beauty in something simple, and I can see the beauty in something tragic and complicated.

Do not mold me of perfection; you will be highly disappointed.
I’m always changing but my drive and passion will never cease– I am not the same person– I have suffered many trials and errors. I wear my heart on my sleeve and always will. My soul is incapable of tyranny, and my heart often lets me down. I’m me and I’ll always be that one trying to win your heart over every step of the way.

This little segment is just for you–You know who you are.

As I look back on the past 3 years and all the things I’ve did, I fantasize about who I would be if I never did the things I did; if all those things never happened; if we never… How different I would have been if all those never happened. No doubt I would have been a happier person but at what cost? Because of you, these past 3 years passed so fast; like a bullet rushing to crash into its target. The things I’ve learned, done and experienced some may never even dream of in their lifetime. I do not regret who I have become now neither do I wish I had done the things I’ve did before. But to choose between ignorance and knowledge, happiness and experience is really impossible. There’s really no comparison between both worlds.

“There’s no worse tragedy then a gift left unopened.” After all this time I might finally understand those famous last words you left for me. I still hope that one day under a blue blue moon we might be able to become friends again. Your truly the most amazing person I’ve ever met in my life.

I’ll be spending this new year alone again. But Yes! Another year has finally come to an end. I’ve made it through another year of wondering when I would be able to live, love or finally find joy again. After all the time I’ve been trying to deny love, unrequited love rather, but I still feel that love is the closest thing to happiness and love is really all we need. Maybe next year I’ll meet that somebody who will appreciate me and surprise me with how much they appreciate me. I want to be lead somewhere that I haven’t been. I want it to be worth what I give up. I want that hopeless, can’t live without her kind of feeling, I’ve been searching for that girl for so long that I hardly believe she exists.

But hope's a bitch isn’t she. ;)

Happy New Year Everyone!

2010-12-22T21:26:00.003+08:00

Angels falling from the sky
Imagine that, imagine that
Nobody getting out of here alive
No turning back, no turning back

Who's going to bail out all our shattered dreams?
And scrape some truth off of these city streets
No time for praying
Get up off your knees

Let's close our eyes and just disappear
Slip through the cracks no looking back
We'll get a million miles away from here
And let the past just fade to black
So you learn to live with your regrets
No need to fear what hasn't happened yet
Life will get you but you can't forget

There's hope I know
Out on that lonely road
So breathe in breathe out
Cause there's only now
And all I got, I’m holding in my hands
Now follow me
We're breaking out of broken promise land

Nothing's what it seems to be.

2010-12-14T21:22:00.004+08:00

I'm home again, I won the war
And now I am behind your door
I tried so hard to obey the law
And see the meaning of this all
Remember me? Before the war
I'm the man who lived next door

As you can see, when you look at me
I'm pieces of what I used to be
My slate is clean
Raising from the place I've been
The light is green
New life to fill the hole in me

I had no name, that December
Christmas Eve, I can't remember
I fell asleep, and dream a dream
Floating in the silent stream
And no one placing blame on me

I was in a constant pain
Saw your shadow in the rain
You ask are all my dreams fulfilled
But you made me a heart of steel
The kind them bullets cannot steal

But nothing's what it seems to be
I'm a replica, a replica
An empty shell inside of me
I'm a replica..
Of Me.

2010-12-12T18:39:00.002+08:00

I can’t talk about it.. It’s not that I don’t want to… It’s just that I have so many bad things in my head that I want to throw out.. and if I start talking about it.. I just don’t know if I’ll be able to stop.

Regret.

2010-12-11T09:47:00.008+08:00

I can’t stop blaming myself. I know, I know too very well that the only one who suffers is me. Maybe it’s just my way of punishing myself for all I have done. Is there really no way I can get closure? No one has been able to convince me otherwise anyway.

Empty spaces with shadows hit by streetlights
Warnings signs and weight of tired conversations
In the absence of a shoulder, in the abscess of a thief
On the brink of this destruction, on the eve of bittersweet
All the demons look like prophets
And I'm living out every word they speak

I cannot trust these voices
I don't have a line of prospects that can give some kind of peace
There is nothing left to cling to that can bring me sweet release
I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing that's taking all this work
Now do you know what I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"?

What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"

2010-12-07T22:13:00.017+08:00

A Simple Day.

Mother of earth
The day has come
Someone is trying to take my life away
And you've got to know
It seems to dream
I'm still standing here in front
Of your soul
Looking into your fireless eyes
Right now I'm one too many
It's hard to say you may believe it
That everything I'll do for me
Is in the name of your lonely tear
Can't you tell now
What I should say and where I'll go tonight?
Maybe in a dream
I'll go between the sun and shining stars
Damned, looking into the sky
I can feel this rain
Right now it's falling on me
Fly, I just want to fly
Life is all mine
Some days I cry alone
But I know I'm not the only one
Stained, looking at my hands
I talk with these lines
It's not the answer
I'm crying and I now I know
I search for another answer
To be free, free to be
I'm not another liar
I just want to be myself.. myself
And now the beat inside of me
Is a sort of a cold breeze
I Bring my body
Carry it into another world
I see that another day is gone
And I know I live
But like a stone I'm falling down

Nothing At All

2010-11-21T11:58:00.004+08:00

You were a victim of my crimes
A product of my rage
You were a beautiful distraction
I kept you locked away outside
Let misery provide
And now I am ashamed
So I walk to try to find a space
Where I can be alone to live with my mistakes
And the fear that will come
From knowing that the one thing
I had left was you
And now your gone

I am victim of my time
A product of the age
You alone are my obsession
You were the one I left behind
You’ve been heavy on my mind
It’s been a lonely road I’ve traveled
And so I walk to try to get away
Knowing that someday I will finally have to face
The fear that will come from knowing that
The one thing I had left was you
And now you’re gone

Insomnia can be an incredible songwriting tool...

2010-11-18T21:08:00.003+08:00

A tiny hope that burns into my breath
A bitter smile delights me at the end

But I don't look back
While I'm waiting to die
I don't look back
In a weird lullaby
I'll carry on
And the hope in my heart is dry

But I don't look back
And I cannot reply
I don't look back
While I'm waiting to lie
I'll carry on
While they want to decide for me
Once again
Once again
Living in their cage
Living in their cage
They are killing me
Once again

Fuck.

2010-11-16T19:30:00.003+08:00

Don't you just hate it when shit piles up. I just feel like doing something stupid tonight just stop thinking for like an hour or two. You know, something i know ill regret the next day. I just dont want to care about anymore. Fuck my future! Fuck my job! Fuck my life! Just Fuck everything. There's no point in any of it anyway.

I told someone else about the stuff that happened. And no it didn't make me feel any better. There's a reason why i don't talk about it. There's really no logical reasoning for me not to blame myself for what happened. It was all my fault. If i just didn't.. then She wouldn't have.. So young so stupid so blinded.

I wana cry so bad but this tears won't fall anymore. I wana die so bad but.. sigh..

I just feel like a time bomb just ticking away again. I still wonder why i try so hard to be this way. Why i don't go back to my old ways. I could have a lot more then what i have now. So what if i get caught? There's nothing that matters to me anyway. I have nothing to loose. Nothing to gain.

I'm just tired so very tired.

I wish you were still here. You would know what to do.

The Voice of Madness

2010-10-31T11:02:00.006+08:00

I wanna run Away
Never say Goodbye
I wanna know the Truth
Instead of wondering Why
I wanna know the Answers
No more Lies
I wanna Shut The Door
And open up my Mind

I just want to run away to a land where no one exists.
To be at that place where there is no need to live.
With No one to Please, No one to Judge and No one to Be.
With no responsibilities and no future to worry.
To just live life as it is and not how it should be.
This is my Voice of Madness.

In Loving Memory

2010-10-25T22:01:00.001+08:00

Thanks for all you've done
I've missed you for so long
I can't believe you're gone
You still live in me
I feel you in the wind
You guide me constantly

I've never knew what it was to be alone, no
Cause you were always there for me
You were always there waiting
And ill come home and I miss your face so
Smiling down on me
I close my eyes to see

And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

I carry the things that remind me of you
In loving memory of
The one that was so true
Your were as kind as you could be
And even though you're gone
You still mean the world to me

I've never knew what it was to be alone, no
Cause you were always there for me
You were always there waiting
But now I come home and it's not the same, no
It feels empty and alone
I can't believe you're gone

And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

I'm glad he set you free from sorrow
I'll still love you more tomorrow
And you will be here with me still

And what you did you did with feeling
And You always found the meaning
And you always will
And you always will
And you always will

And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

-Alter Bridge

2010-10-17T23:28:00.000+08:00

Just When You Think You Know Everything You Realise You Know Nothing.

2010-10-12T23:14:00.003+08:00

Ain't It Like Love

Wind rising over the hills

Quiet as your sleepy eyes

Corn bows to the lowing clouds

Storm’s coming slow and proud

Electric blue flying up above

Ain’t it like love

Clock ticking on the wall

Keeping rhythm with the rain

Time goes by much slower here

Whispering hours in my ear

Ain’t it like love

To always leave you guessing

Ain’t it like love

To keep one step ahead

Static on the radio

Music playing in my head

Passing through some dead end town

Wana put the pedal down

No time to stop and run for cover

Ain’t it just like love

2010-10-10T02:00:00.003+08:00

The Divine Image.

To Mercy, Pity, Peace, and Love
All pray in their distress;
And to these virtues of delight
Return their thankfulness.

For Mercy, Pity, Peace, and Love
Is God, our father dear,
And Mercy, Pity, Peace, and Love
Is Man, his child and care.

For Mercy has a human heart,
Pity a human face,
And Love, the human form divine,
And Peace, the human dress.

Then every man, of every clime,
That prays in his distress,
Prays to the human form divine,
Love, Mercy, Pity, Peace.

And all must love the human form,
In heathen, turk, or jew;
Where Mercy, Love, & Pity dwell
There God is dwelling too

-William Blake

The Misery.

2010-10-05T01:01:00.003+08:00

I write the lines you want me to,
With the words I dare to use of all the ones that you have taught me,
Along the years you cast a perfect shadow on the paper, fade away with sunlight,
I fear the way you know me, love can leave a stain.
You steal my only hope and make me stay awake another night,
I wish you bear with me, stay near me
When the Autumn leaves have fallen.
Solitude, my pain, the last thing left of me.
Seven lonely lies written on Dead winter’s night,
Open the only book with the only poem I can read
In blood I sign my name and seal the midnight with a tear,
burn the paper, every line for them I cried
I am the Play writer and you are my Crown, make me cry for your love, like you’ve done many times,
so I know I can’t write these story lines without you, Lady pain,
make me strong, can’t we be together without them forever
The words I write can only hurt you, sorry for the rain, thank you,
my only one, you gave me this pain
I leave you gently on the floor, take one step towards the door,
where’s the letter never written, goodnight now…

2010-10-04T16:50:00.002+08:00

Deep inside these burning buildings
Voices dying to be heard
Years we spent teaching a lesson
We ourselves had never learned

If strength is born from heartbreak
The mountains then I could move
And if walls could speak I'd pray
That they would tell me what to do

The drones all slave away
They're working overtime
Serving a faceless king
They never question why
Disciples of a God
That neither lives of breathes
I won't come back!
I won't go back.

So if you see me
Please just walk on by
Forget my name and I'll forget it too
Failed attempts of leading simple lives
Are what kept me coming back at you.

Darkness itself glows in me.

2010-10-02T00:08:00.001+08:00

Why don't I commit suicide? Because I am as sick of death as I am of life. I should be cast into a flaming caldron! Why am I on this earth? I feel the need to cry out, to utter a savage scream that will set the world atremble with dread. I am like a lightning bolt ready to set the world ablaze and swallow it all in the flames of my nothingness. I am the most monstrous being in history, the beast of the apocalypse full of fire and darkness, of aspirations and despair. I am the beast with a contorted grin, contracting down to illusion and dilating toward infinity, both growing and dying, delightfully suspended between hope for nothing and despair of everything, brought up among perfumes and poisons, consumed with love and hatred, killed by lights and shadows. My symbol is the death of light and the flame of death. Sparks die in me only to be reborn as thunder and lightning.

Darkness itself glows in me.

2010-09-19T00:17:00.004+08:00

A Possible Death

The end had come
Plummeting to the ground
My fingers spread
Making one last contact
With the sidewalk
The rough cement

At the base
Of this ultimate world
I was dying
My heart had only a few
Beats left
Before the entire
Intoxication of life
Would vanish

And I
Touching this world
For a last time
On the street side
The hard gray cement
The pain and the beauty
The last sight of sky
The last gust of air
Leaving

All the strange
Beautiful
Perplexing realities
Within the earth
That was holding me
For the very last time

True Knowledge Is The Most Tenebrous Darkness

2010-09-17T23:06:00.004+08:00

So you witnessed old age, pain, and death and told yourself that pleasure is an illusion and that the pleasure seekers do not understand the inconstancy of things. Then you shunned the world, persuaded that nothing will endure. "I will not return," you proclaimed, "before I have escaped birth, old age, and death." there is much pride and suffering in every renunciation. Instead of retreating discreetly, without a big show of revolt and hatred, you denounce, emphatically and haughtily, others' ignorance and illusions; you condemn their pleasures.

The ascetics, who renounced life and fled into the desert, were convinced that they had overcome all human weaknesses. The belief that they had access to a subjective eternity gave them the illusion of total liberation. Nonetheless, their condemnation of pleasure and their contempt for humanity betray their inability to actually free themselves. Were I to withdraw into the most fearsome desert, renounce everything, and live in absolute solitude, still I would never dream of despising men and their pleasure? Since I cannot really enter eternity through renunciation and solitude, since I shall die like the rest,why despise them, why call my way the only true one? All the great prophets lack discretion and human understanding. I witness pain, old age, death, and I know that they cannot be overcome; but why should I spoil another's enjoyment with my knowledge? Suffering and the consciousness of its inescapability lead to renunciation; yet nothing would induce me, not even if I were to become a leper, to condemn another's joy. There is much envy in every act of condemnation. Buddhism and Christianity are the revenge and the spite of those who suffer.

I do not recommend renunciation, because only a few can overcome the thought of life's inconstancy. In society, as much as in the wilderness, inconstancy will preserve its bitter flavor. Just think how much greater were the illusions of great solitaries than those of the innocent and the naive! The thought of renunciation is so bitter that it is hard to imagine how man ever came to conceive of it. He who in a moment of despair has not experienced a cold shiver, a sensation of ineluctable abandonment, cosmic death, and individual nothingness, has not experienced the terrifying preliminaries of renunciation.

Renounce? But how? Where should you go in order not to renounce it all at once although that is the only genuine renunciation? Actual deserts are not readily available to us in our lands and our climate; we lack the adequate milieu. Not living under the fierce desert sun, with just that one thought about eternity, are we to become saints with roofs over our heads? Not to be able to renounce except through suicide is a strictly modern drama. Were our inner desert to materialize, wouldn't its immensity crush us?

Why not explode? Isn’t there enough energy in me to shake the world, enough madness to do away with light? Isn’t chaos my only joy, and isn't the élan which will cause my downfall my only pleasure? Are not my flights falls, and is not my explosion my love? Can I only love through self-destruction? Could it be that I am totally forbidden knowledge of the pure states? Can there be so much poison in my love? Have I not fought death long enough? Should Eros also be my enemy? Why is it that, when love is reborn in me, I become so afraid that I am ready to swallow the entire world in order to stop my love from growing? My predicament: I want to be disappointed in love so that I will have more reasons to suffer. Only love reveals to you your true degradation. Can the man who has looked death in the face still love?
Can he still die of love?

Knowledge is the Plague of Life, and Consciousness, an Open Wound in its Heart.

2010-09-10T19:19:00.001+08:00

How important can it be that I suffer and think? My presence in this world will disturb a few tranquil lives and will unsettle the unconscious and pleasant naiveté of others. Although I feel that my tragedy in the greatest in history - greater than the fall of empires - I am nevertheless aware of my total insignificance. I am absolutely persuaded that I am nothing in this universe; yet I feel that mine is the only real existence. If I had to choose between the world and me, I would reject the world , its lights and laws, unafraid to glide alone in absolute nothingness. Although life for me is torture, I cannot renoucne it, because I do not believe in the absolute values in whose name I would sacrifice myself. If I were to be totally sincere, I would say that I do not know why I live and why I do not stop living. The answer probably lies in the irrational character of life which maintains itself without reason. What if there were only absurd motives for living? Could they still be called motives? This world is not worth a sacrifice in the name of an idea or belief. How much happier are we today because others died for our well-being and our enlightenment? Well-being? Enlightenment? If anybody had died so that I could be happy; then I would be even more unhappy because I do not want to build my life on a graveyard. There are moments when I feel responsible for all the suffering in history, since I cannot understand why some have shed blood for us. It would be a great irony if we could determine that they were happier than we are. Let history crumble to dust! Why should I bother? Let death appear in a ridiculous light: suffering, limited and unrevealing; enthusiasm, impure; life, rational; life's dialectics, logical rather than demonic; despair, minor and partial; eternity, just a word; the experience of nothingness, just and illusion; fatality, a joke! I seriously ask myself, What is the meaning of all this? Why raise questions, throw lights, or see shadows? Wouldn't it be better if I buried my tears in the sand on the seashore in utter solitude? But, I never cried, because my tears have always turned into thoughts. And my thoughts are bitter as tears.

2010-09-10T01:28:00.000+08:00

Maybe I was wrong to
Hold you up so high
Now I know I've lost you
To the feelings I kept inside
I'm not sure that you hear me
I'm not sure that you look at me the same
I will always be attached to you
But I'm never gonna feel the same

If only i could hate you half as much as i hate myself.

2010-08-29T04:12:00.000+08:00

Why can’t I cry when I feel like dying inside? I know it’s been so long since we last spoke and you’ve found someone new. But don’t you know how much I still miss you? These wounds never seem to close no matter what I try. It feels just like yesterday. Every breath is a pain. Sometimes I wonder how I’m still alive. Sitting here right now listening to the last song you left for me. Well at least I’m not crying this time. Sometimes I wonder what it would take for you to notice me again. If I died would you be there? I’m starting to realize that ‘forever’ is just another one of those fairy tales that mothers tell their children to help them sleep at night. Nothing is forever. Life isn’t, happiness isn’t, love isn’t. Things end and people say goodbye and we have no choice in the matter. All we can do is sit and watch our lives ending one minute at a time. And it hurts my soul, because I can't let go, all these walls are caving in, I can't stop my suffering, I hate to show I've lost control, because I keep going right back to the one thing I need to walk away from. The saddest part is that with each passing day I feel like I need you more, but it's the fact that you don't need me at all.

The pain is there to remind me that I'm still alive

2010-08-27T21:10:00.001+08:00

I’m alone right now
Just me, myself, and I
I’m looking at what’s left of me
Just waiting to cry

I can’t show my real feelings on the outside
But they’re tearing me up on the inside
It really sucks always feeling this way
But there’s nothing I can do anyway

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I’m dying
Are the best I ever had

So give me life
Give me tears
So I can cry again
Give me myself again

No where Kids

2010-08-15T21:30:00.001+08:00

In the land of dirt and plaster
lies an army of a thousand nowhere kids
Losing ground and falling faster
Into a life that no one should have to live

Behind the fake family image
Behind the smile of a thousand moms and dads
Inside the cage that we've been given
I see an image of the future that we don't have

We are the people that you hate
We are the bastards that you created
A generation with no place
A generation of all your sons and daughters

And what did you expect
A perfect child raised by TV sets
Abandoned every mile
We never get respect
Never a fair trial
No one gives a shit as long as we
Smile... smile...smile

I can do no wrong or right for i do not know what it is.

2010-07-31T05:06:00.002+08:00

I really like this video. It shows true power. A creature not bound by restrictions a perfect representation of God. Giving and taking life as he seems. Not knowing what is wrong or right. People are of no value we can make more sometime if we need them.

One Chance

2010-07-25T02:31:00.001+08:00

The day you left me in the rain
I don’t know what to say
But I remember everything that day
Now all I have is the memory of
You turning and walking away
Now this rain can never seem
To wash these tears away

If you gave me one chance
To tell you how I was feeling
I would sing to you and tell you
I won’t live my life without you

If you gave me one chance
To show you how I was feeling
I’ll hold your hand and look in your eyes
And you’ll know I’ll never let your go

Even though I drew a smile
A part of me was dying
And there’s nothing left for me to do now
But give in.

Broken

2010-07-16T04:12:00.000+08:00

There are so many broken hearts
So many lives are torn apart
Looking for something, looking for reason
Finding escape in all the wrong places
Getting battered and bruised, blinded and shaken

So many homes have broken down
Too many children's hopes fall to the ground
The homeless want freedom, and someone to feed them
But we just walk by and we pretend we don't see them
The broken need love and that love can't be broken

But this is the world we live in,a broken nation
People want love, but they don't know where it is
All we can do is watch the pieces fall apart
And hope for a better tomorrow

Mirrors of My Soul

2010-07-14T05:34:00.003+08:00

I was alone, blinded, unaware
Then their voices came near,
Now inside my mind they're always here
Telling me what to say and do
Guiding my path, carrying me through

Now my words cut like blades of anger
Sung under the northern light
The thing that once was me
Is no more human inside
I am lost
I am dead yet alive

Deeper into darkness, deeper I fell
When I close my eyes
I see myself burn in hell
Anointed in blood
Crowned by the damned
The tongue of doom
Forever I am

I am a demon, an angel, the voice of the insane
Messenger of light and bringer of pain
When my inner voice commands
I obey
It controls me, like a master his slave

My eyes the mirror my soul
Black and empty
Senseless and cold
I've lost the lust for life
Now leave me alone
I will exit this existence
And I am going home

Hurt

2010-06-29T02:24:00.002+08:00

I hurt myself today
To see if I'd still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

2010-06-25T01:29:00.003+08:00

I can never seem to run fast enough. No matter how fast or far i try to run. My past is always one step ahead of me draining whatever is left of this miserable existence one drop at a time. Sometimes i just feel like giving up and embracing it. Sometimes i wonder why i even try.

2010-06-17T11:19:00.002+08:00

Time after time I lose again
Night after night I wake up shaking
Cause my world is breaking
I'm fool enough to fall again
Night after night I wake up crying
Cause I feel like dying

2010-06-13T02:35:00.001+08:00

I hate people who blame the Devil for their own shortcomings and those who thank God when things go right.

Its better to write for yourself and have no public than to write for the public and have no self.

2010-06-02T01:11:00.002+08:00

2010-05-24T23:53:00.000+08:00

Once I rose above the noise and confusion
Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion
I was soaring ever higher but I flew too high
Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man
Though my mind could think I still was a mad man

Chaos

2010-05-23T22:59:00.003+08:00

I don't know what to think anymore. All my life i have been searching for the truth, something real. But now... I've gotten more then i can handle.

I've tore everything, including myself apart to see how it ticks and i can't put any of it back together. The only thing i have learned about the truth is that the truth is chaos and you can never grasp chaos. You may understand it, but you can never grasp it. And if somehow you can comprehend it, you go nuts. Cause this earthly beliefs don't apply to you anymore.

From the day you were born, we were brought up in a world where society was created. Society based on patterns and if you keep undoing these patterns you will only find chaos waiting. And even if i keep searching, I'm never going to find it, cause i wont be content that it's it.

Ocean Deep

2010-05-12T05:03:00.001+08:00

Love , can't you see I'm alone
Can't you give this fool a chance
A little love is all I ask
A little kindness in the night
Please don't leave me behind
No , don't tell me love is blind
A little love is all I ask
And that is all
Oh love , I've been searchin' so long
I've been searchin' high and low
And little love is all I ask
A little sadness when you go
Maybe you'll need a friend
Only please don't let's pretend
A little love is all I ask
And that is all
I wanna spread my wings
But I just can't fly
As a string of pearls
The pretty girls go sailin' by
Ocean deep
I'm so afraid to show my feelings
I have sailed a million ceilings
Solitary room

Ocean deep
Will I ever find a lover
Maybe she has found another
And as I cry myself to sleep
I know this love of mine I'll keep
Ocean deep
Now , can't you hear when I call
Can't you hear the word I say
A little love is all I ask
A little feelin' when we touch
Why am I still alone
I've got a heart without a home
A little love is all I ask
And that is all

-CLIFF RICHARD

Dream

2010-05-05T00:37:00.000+08:00

Whisper in the yard and turn the trees all into toys
Lay there on the ground, and turn the dirt into your joy
From what I see and what I know, it's all been boring lately
So I suggest we trade a question mark in for a maybe
Time your riddles right, and make a point that has no sense
Make sure that you're smiling, and the money's been well spent
Innocence and ignorance, it all goes hand in hand
I'm not sure that I'm right, but I hope you'll understand
I hope that you're still searching for the start that has no end
And all the plastic people have now become your friends
Before you start to drift and your soul begins to scream
I just wanted to tell you that you're listening to a dream

-Shinedown

War of life

2010-05-01T01:13:00.001+08:00

A war raged on for years to come
And a battle which no side would be done
Many a life out lived its time
But few knew not to fight

Yes
Another little solider has left the field
Put down her gun and walked away
For she knew the war was always here to stay

Now they spite her will to fight
And claimed their loyalty to each side
Blinded by the war so long
And their self-righteous proselytism so strong

She always knew her wounds will go away
But the shells will always fall her way
So walked away she did so strong
Ignoring the allegation that came her way

2010-05-01T00:45:00.000+08:00

I have always lived with the awareness of the impossibility of living. And what has made existence endurable to me is my curiosity as to how I would get from one minute, one day, one year to the next.

Reclusion

2010-04-27T22:05:00.000+08:00

There's someone inside me that softly kills everyone around
They don't know they're dead to me cause intent never makes a sound
All along they found I strangled lovers who've learned from slower hands
With these eleven minutes I could teach you what I am

There's an art in seclusion. Production in depression
if a stranger turns up missing, this song is my confession
Tell the tales of the trail of dead, lovers learn from slower hands
Losing self in myself, inner demons make demands

You're suffocating me, so very hard to breathe
My mask is growing heavy but I've forgotten who's beneath

-Anberlin

My Place

2010-04-26T13:05:00.002+08:00

I’ve got a candle
And I’ve got a stool
I live in a hallway
With no doors and no rooms
I walk this road with nowhere to go
With no means to get out of this hole
I long to see the sun
Or just a little bird too
But under the window sill
Is nothing but fill
A haunting melody echoes the place
Filling the way with haze
A sound so sweet and so heavy
A feeling that I can never take away
I close my eyes and try to sleep
But the dreams they never sleep
I try to yell but my screams in vain
Can somebody out there feel my pain
Lonely and weary I fall to the ground
Wondering when will I get out of this place

2010-04-25T03:20:00.001+08:00

I am the son of light, the all seeing eye
I am the resurrected hope of Kingdoms wide
I am our tragedy, the liberating tides
I am the gates through which the crucified will rise
I am the Devil, and God and Jesus too
I am the distance between the sky and ocean blue
I am the earthquakes, the fires and the ruins
I am immortal, my kingdom comes for you
I am the middle, and the beginning of the end
I am the tears you reap when sin commands your head
I am the heart, the one that beats through red
I am eternal life, the death of death I lend

2010-04-23T02:43:00.002+08:00

Deceived by my eyes and all I was told I should see
Opinions not mine, the person they taught me to be
One night in the dark, a vision of someone I knew
And in the darkness I saw, a voice say, I'm you.

Hearts uninspired, trapped inside somebody's dream
Too close to the fire, yet cold and numb with the pain
But the fever has broken, and the river has run to the sea
Washed to the ocean, and saved by a voice inside me.

Never thought I would be here, so high in the air
This is my unanswered prayer
Defined by another, so much wasted time
Out of the darkness, each breath that I take will be mine

If you close your eyes your life, a naked truth revealed
Dreams you never lived, and scars never healed
In the darkness, light will take you to the other side
And find me waiting there you'll see, if you just close your eyes

And Another.

2010-04-22T04:21:00.001+08:00

I really don’t know where I’m getting all this energy from. I’ve been sleeping for about 2 hours the past few days and yet here I am wide awake at four in the morning. I just drank half a bottle of cough medication. Hopefully I’ll feel tired in a while. The thing I like about these wee hours is the silence. No screams of children playing or the roar of jet planes over head. Just the occasional soft wind blowing. It’s like watching the world sleep.
I want to write. But I can’t feel a thing. I’ve suppressed it all for too long. Sometimes you put on a mask for so long, you forget what’s underneath. I need to get away somewhere to collect my thoughts. It’s just so hard to get personal time now a day.

Maybe one day it will be the new Jacob's Ladder

Just another night.

2010-04-18T05:20:00.006+08:00

Once again, I'm staring at this same blank screen. It’s just one of another sleepless night. I guess I’ll watch the sun rise again. I like the night, or rather the wee mornings. Walking the empty streets no one to bother about no one to care for. Wondering how it would feel if I was the last person left. I just might enjoy it, to just live life like I want it. Not a care or worry in the world. No politics, no culture or religion, no judgmental eyes glaring at your every movement. Just plain old me and my philosophy. Oh well just another delusion of mine. Isn’t it sad that without delusions one can never truly be happy? Sometimes I wished I didn’t have this gift that I pride myself so much on, to perceive the transitory character of everything. Isn’t it such an odd gift to know so much yet still unable to get what you really need? Such a cursed gift which spoiled all my joys; better: all my sensations. Yet I’m proud of it.

Write only if you are going to say in them the things you would never dare confide to anyone.

2010-04-05T18:30:00.002+08:00

Life is empty, the sigh of the weak, the roar of the strong, the innocence of the child. My lost in emptiness sees only death. The knowledge of the Gnostic, The disbelief of the Atheist, the denial of the Agnostic, The Nothingness of the Nihilist, The belief of the Theist. I wonder what will I find? What will i see? How will i react? What will i be? Is there something to come from nothing? Is it that nothing cannot come from something? I wonder...

2010-04-03T23:32:00.003+08:00

I pride myself on my capacity to perceive the transitory character of everything. An odd gift which spoiled all my joys; better: all my sensations.

I hear Voices

2010-03-31T23:28:00.001+08:00

I hear voices in my head
They council me
They understand
They talk to me

You got your rules and your religion
All designed to keep you safe
But when rules start getting broken
You start questioning your faith

I have a voice that is my savior
Hates to love and loves to hate
I have the voice that has the knowledge
And the power to rule your fate

I hear voices crying
I see heroes dying
I taste the blood that's drying
I feel the tension rising

All the lawyers are defenseless
All the doctors are disease
And the preachers all are sinners
And the police just take the grease
All who judges you are guilty
And politicians are all liars

I see darkness falling
I hear voices calling
I feel justice crawling
I see faith has fallen

2010-03-31T01:28:00.003+08:00

Life is nothing; death, everything. Yet there is nothing which is death, independent of life. It is precisely this absence of autonomous, distinct reality which makes death universal; it has no realm of its own, it is omnipresent, like everything which lacks identity, limit, and bearing: an indecent infinitude.
- E. M. Cioran

Morning Sky

2010-03-28T07:13:00.001+08:00

Pink and Grey the morning sky
Nature at its very best
The clouds are swirling in beautiful lines
Blending in with the morning light
A warm breeze engulfs the air
As the mist begin to clear
The birds are chirping and the ground is damp
The smell of life is in the air
The sky turns orange like fiery flames
And the world begins to rise
The birds are fed
From their morning catch
And the roads begin to fill
The sun is up in the sky so high
And the sound of horns is in the air
The children play as they head to school
And thus begin another day