Last post of the year!

This sucks pretty bad.. im missing out on all the christmas and new year parties. All the candy and sweets. The dancing and singing. All the chances to waste this life by having fun! Cause im leaving on a jet plane, don't know when ill be back again. Haha actually i do. ill be back on the 3rd jan.

Well 2009.. Was a complicated year. Alot better then 2008 though.. where everything fell apart. Lets just say 2009 was a year of recovery, self discovery and parties! =D haha im trying to live back my old days.. To lead a life of happiness and not meaning.. Its kinda hard to tune back and stop thinking about everything. Kinda like pandora's box.. haha once you opened it there is no going back. Oh well at least parting helps for a while. =/ Hey its better than nothing. Go ahead judge me.

After all this time im sorry to say that im still not over you.. Ive tried.. some of the things i tried im not proud of.. but oh well.. you opened the box.. and showed me life. whats more is there to ask for. Goodbye!

To o.o whoever you are.

Firstly who are you to judge the world by saying “Everyone is hopeless, just that some dont realize it.” Whether one has hope or not is defined by each individual. If the world possesses the objective value or meaning that he or she wants it to have or have long since believed it to have.

You carry on saying that “This is why there is hope, because God is God, rich in mercy. He chooses” Lets assume your previous statement to be true. Isn’t everyone hopeless? Why is there now hope? So if god is god, what IS god? And if he is rich in mercy, why does he choose? And if he chooses what does he choose and for what purpose.

So all you have done is
1) Judge the world based on your own opinions
2) Contradict yourself by saying that everyone is hopeless then by say that there is hope. (if everyone is hopeless there should be no hope) so which is it? Is there hope or not?
3) You fail to illustrate how god is god. (it’s like saying an apple is an apple instead of an apple is a fruit)
4) You have totally misused the word mercy
5) And of cause the word choose just ends abruptly.

Stuff to think about..

Can god make a rock so heavy he himself cant lift?

Is man one of God's blunders? Or is God one of man's blunders?

If you're disconnected from all five senses, does the world still exist?

Do I believe in nothing, or do I not believe in anything?

"When we find out that the world does not possess the objective value or meaning that we want it to have or have long since believed it to have, we find ourselves in a crisis"

Fuck Life!

I really feel like giving up. The past few weeks were just made up of parties and self abusing actions. Of shallow, surface decisions. I really don't know what else to do now. Going through night just trying to stop thinking about so many things. I'm just trying to get by without loosing it. Sometimes i dont even know why i feel this way. Everytime i close my eyes.. i picture myself falling. and it feels good. Its a solution. My only solution. Sometimes i feel like talking to someone. But after all that.. i don't think i can. I don't think im that messed up. I could be alot worse off. I'm just weak. I make choices cause its the right thing to do. Then regret it afterward. Maybe i should just let loose. Stop bothering what would happen. I don't think i have anyone to hurt anyway.

I'm a survivor!

I just survived 4 nights without proper sleep! And im still alive and kicking baby! wahaha.. I'm awsome! =D Too bad ill be going overseas on christmas and new year! Damn.. Drinking and getting high might not solve any problems but it definitely helps take your mind off it for a while!

Its late at night and i can't sleep

So many things are falling out of place. Its been more than 3 weeks since ive been able to sleep. Somehow 2-3hours of sleep is enough for me. Why is everything around me so fucked up. My entire life, all i ever heard or seen is just sad stories. Happy endings. Where are you? Or are you just another fairy tale. Is life this fucked up? I just finished listening about how someone just found out her bf was cheating on her since the start of their relationship. Guess how long the it lasted? One whole year! Seriously.. how do you hide something like that for a year?

Why can't everything be simple. I hate doing all this crap all day long. Why cant i just speak my mind. Damn. I've been doing some stuff lately. And im starting to wonder.. is lying the only way to get through life?

I just realised i hardly have any normal posts. Haha. Oh well.

Let us drink so we don’t remember
Get high so we don’t hurt
For when pain becomes reality
And life becomes nothing but a burden
Nothing else matters..

What is reality? Whats real and whats not?

Once again i cant sleep. Thanks alot. All the pain brings me down again. Drag me to the floor. I wonder when it would be. That i can close my eyes and not see. I doubt anyone can fully understand anything i write here. But i enjoy it. Knowing that each word here has its meaning. Each word chosen solely for a purpose.

I dare not speak of my past for its catching up on me. That promise i made is getting harder and harder to keep. Sometimes i don't know why i try so hard. Maybe i should just that that leap of faith and join you.. where ever you are. I don't think it can be any worse than this. I know you didnt what it to end up this way. But i still blame myself for everything that happened. Worse of all i still cant.. Haiz.. if you could read this you would know. oh why couldnt it be me instead.

I look up see the moon slightly shaded from the clouds. How i wish to reach out for it. To savor every moment it stands in its light. Knowing in just moments it would be drowned by the morning light. I like the night. Theres no one there to care. Only then i can dwell in my sorrow. Wipe that smile of that face. All i feel is pain, it's the only thing thats real to me.

I dream of life where im safe. In a home where im not alone. Lay me down on grass where everything is greener. It always seem so good on the other side. How would you know life is better then death when you don't know how death feels like. I think i can fly.

On a lighter note. I won't be in town for christmas or the new year. Which might be a good thing. Seems like i find any occasion thats supposed to be joyful depressing. So tell me.. Am i still alive? Or am i just a memory playing itself out.