The air is cold
Im getting old
And going nowhere
This job is shit
I wanna quit
But choice is scarce
I'm on my knees begging please but you don't care
Everyday seems the same
Another blank stare

I hate this town
And all the sounds
That drive me crazy
I wanna run and buy a gun
But im too lazy
I feel so dead
I feel so numb
I check my pulse
But nothings there
I think im fading

Out to sea
Nothing but waves to surround me
And all i feel is pain
Its the only thing that's real
And all i need
Is time to reflect on the life i lead
I'm lost at sea
Nothing but ocean to drown me in

But all i want is to breathe
To feel like theres a part of me
That still believes
In all my hopes and my dreams
To know that theres a heart that beats inside of me
Again

I created my own Hell and became the Demon that crawled out from it.

Do you know what hell is? Its not fire and all that stuff they teach you when your little. We make our Heaven and Hell when we are alive. Everytime we cause pain. Every time we cause suffering.

Reliving that all that for eternity. Thats Hell.

My version of Forever seems like an Unrealistic Dream

This suddenly reminded me about something i wrote a long time ago. It’s saddening but true. But words these days mean nothing to most people. They are only there when they need you but not a mile in sight when they don't. Even the ones closest to you leave you when your down in the trenches. Maybe its just me or my dumb luck.
But this song reminded me of how it feels to be vulnerable. To open youself up completely to someone else and feel totaly safe about it. Maybe one day i will be able to that again...

Chris Medina - What Are Words



Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
Anytime you whisper my name, you'll see
How every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most

What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone

And I know an angel was sent just for me
And I know I'm meant to be where I am
And I'm gonna be

Standing right beside her tonight
And I'm gonna be by your side
I would never leave when she needs me most

What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone

Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
And I'm gonna be here forever more
Every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most

I'm forever keeping my angel close

There are no mistakes in life, only lessons.

All that stupid fun, all the shit weve done. Where'd the good times go?

Sometimes the littlest thing in life changes something forever and there will be times when you wish you can go back to how things used to be but you just can't because things have changed so much.

It's hard to accept, but you can't change the past. You can't go back and manipulate things to the way you wanted them to happen. But you can change the future and that's a beautiful thing about life. Yes, you will make mistakes. And yes, you will have bad days. But knowing that things were meant to happen. Knowing that each day you will learn something new. Life is like a rope, twined in all its complexities and yet weaved into one marvelous stream that you have the chance you use something amazing from. So...

Grab hold of it!

Take chances. Tell the truth. Date someone totally wrong for you. Say no. Spend all your cash! Fall in love. Get to know someone random. Be random. Say I love you. Sing out loud. Laugh at a stupid joke. Cry. Get revenge. Apologize. Tell someone how much they mean to you. Tell that asshole what you feel. Let someone know what theyre missing. Laugh til your stomach hurts.

And just remember. If you obey all the rules, you'll miss out on all the fun.

I have so very much to say, but no way to say it.

You know, i really don't know why i keep this blog. I just know i can always turn to it when everything just starts pilling up and i've nothing or nowhere else to turn to. After all I highly doubt anyone reads or understands half the stuff i write anyway.

The conditions under which any one understands me, and necessarily understands me - I know them only too well. Even to endure my seriousness, my passion, one must carry the intellectual integrity to the verge of hardness. One must be accustomed to living on mountain tops - and to looking upon the wretched gable of politics and nationalism as beneath him/her. One must become indifferent and never ask of the truth whether it brings profit or fatality.. One must have an inclination, born or strength, for questions that no one has the courage for; the courage for the forbidden; predestination for the labyrinth. New ears for new music. New eyes for the most distant. A new conscience for truths that have hitherto remained unheard. And the will to economize in the grand manner - to hold together his strength, his enthusiasm... Reverence for self; love of self; and absolute freedom of self...

Whats the point of being the good guy when God's gonna triumph you anyway.