I have tossed and I have turned.
I have loved and I have lost.
I have listened and I have watched.
I have lied and I have cheated.
I have struggled, but no; I will NEVER be defeated.
I’m just a messy dreamer.
That’s in a mess.
I’m the one… that I only hope she’s been waiting for.
I have big dreams, bigger hopes, and I have something going for me. I’m always reaching for bigger and better things. I’ve got a lust for life and death all the same. I live my life according to my own beliefs. I don’t knock your way of life so don’t even bother discrediting mine.
I’m what you call a bomb in a birdcage: I broke the limit- I destroyed every give a fuck meter I had, I defy all guidelines, I will never be caged nor contained by any standard less than my own. I’m ticking and beating on the inside- and my heartbeat does not know anything more than tragedy and you can observe the ruckus and red paint that I bring to your town. I have a smile that lights up the world, and I have an inner demeanor that screams to hold your hand. I laugh like you’ll laugh with me, and I’d kiss all day if I had the chance. I write like my soul is exploding on paper, and I revolve around most things that people have lost sense of, things that some people kill for; like love, truth, and happiness. And if they talk, I will not alter who I am nor will I let this planet tear me down for its own sad, sorry will. That cage broke a few years ago, that bomb went off and I exploded into my own definition of a person- I am free, I am free.
I’m complex and I have to admit, I am one of the most COMPLICATED human beings alive; I have yet to come to full consciousness of who I am because I am often wide eyed and yet completely oblivious to the world. I’m fully awake with so much desperate energy, yet I am fast asleep in dreams of a world without collision. Though I do hold onto memories so vividly, it is only because I believe, “never a mistake, always a learning lesson.” I no longer live in the rear view mirror. Through the years I have learned to admire those who have the ability to let go; I’d rather be given reason to forgive, for I have learned it is priority. I know I’ve forgiven people when I shouldn’t have, and I’ve failed to ask for forgiveness when I should have, but I’m learning through trial; my heart has learned through my errors. Words will never come close to describing me but I can try and give you just a taste. Get to know me… you might be surprised.
I’ll tell you a secret:
“I know pain and I know hurt and I know what the feeling of isolation is. It is comforting to be scorched and my throat is conformed to the shape of the scream. I know the familiar ache, the familiar burn and surely the feeling of loneliness is easier to swallow when you never leave it. I am a coward with a lion’s roar, and underneath the sound, I am nothing but a child with my hands clutching the side of my skull as if I can pull apart the clarity of reality. I am scared to be vulnerable and I am scared to peel away my shell of terror.”
Sometimes I think I’m just a mess of badly written stories. One where I’m just scrawled veins beneath paper rough skin and set of tragic love tales where I scream for the movement of love, yet the world is set like stone. I wear poorly sketched scars on my heart and body, and beg for mercy as this terrible world never seems to notice my plea for a happy ending. Well let’s just hope I live to tell the tale.
I’d like to be someone’s everything– No, somebody’s something; I’d like to do something that actually doesn’t hurt someone else; I’d like to create something new; I’d like to help people in need that truly need help; I’d like to wander through town holding hands, not caring where I’m going; I’d like to give the longest hug in the history of forever; I’d like to kiss until my lips go numb; I’d like to meet somebody, that nobody else knows about; I’d like to have a secret, that you’d kill to find out; I’d like to take pictures until the lens shatter; I’d like to paint the town red; I’d like to see the world; I’d like to leave; I’d like to meet someone and fall in love when we look into each other’s eyes; I’d like to speak my thoughts; I’d like to see it for myself; I’d like to see through someone else’s eyes; I’d like to live life like I’ll die today. I’d like to live life like I’ll live forever.
Underestimate me– I want you to.
I’m a master at destroying myself but now I’m perfecting the art of building myself back. I am both happy and sad at the same time, and I’m trying to figure out how that could be. I lack the ability to stop loving, and I’ve made so many mistakes and learned so much from them that I’m thinking of making a few more actually. I prove I exist even though I have no set road and no specific sense of direction.
Just a warning- I’m difficult to understand and you can watch how good I am at smiling the pain away; you’ll never guess I’m screaming on the inside.
Wanna see the epitamy of an emotional wreck? You’re lookin’ right at him.
I get bored easily. What I want today might not be what I’ll want tomorrow, and I’m not easily impressed with people at all. I wanna live a life worth living but I feel I’m living day by day honestly.
Apart from my present, I have a rather morbid past that I have the most trouble healing from. I think I’ve died inside so many times and resurrected from my own ashes that I know enough of what life and people have to offer. “Life is only as sweet as your wounds are deep” and with a taste of tragedy, I think you could guess how deep my gashes go.
Unless you were there, unless you had seen it, unless you could feel that pain and seen and done what I have; then don’t judge me. You don’t know, you weren’t there, you never have and never will know every little thing I’ve been through.
To take a step in my shoes and go through what I’ve been through took a lot. I’ve come too far to just give it all away now. Don’t bother placing any negative judgement on me, I no longer have eyes and ears for those type of people.
I have more insecurities than you will ever understand. I can see the beauty in something simple, and I can see the beauty in something tragic and complicated.
Do not mold me of perfection; you will be highly disappointed.
I’m always changing but my drive and passion will never cease– I am not the same person– I have suffered many trials and errors. I wear my heart on my sleeve and always will. My soul is incapable of tyranny, and my heart often lets me down. I’m me and I’ll always be that one trying to win your heart over every step of the way.
This little segment is just for you–You know who you are.
As I look back on the past 3 years and all the things I’ve did, I fantasize about who I would be if I never did the things I did; if all those things never happened; if we never… How different I would have been if all those never happened. No doubt I would have been a happier person but at what cost? Because of you, these past 3 years passed so fast; like a bullet rushing to crash into its target. The things I’ve learned, done and experienced some may never even dream of in their lifetime. I do not regret who I have become now neither do I wish I had done the things I’ve did before. But to choose between ignorance and knowledge, happiness and experience is really impossible. There’s really no comparison between both worlds.
“There’s no worse tragedy then a gift left unopened.” After all this time I might finally understand those famous last words you left for me. I still hope that one day under a blue blue moon we might be able to become friends again. Your truly the most amazing person I’ve ever met in my life.
I’ll be spending this new year alone again. But Yes! Another year has finally come to an end. I’ve made it through another year of wondering when I would be able to live, love or finally find joy again. After all the time I’ve been trying to deny love, unrequited love rather, but I still feel that love is the closest thing to happiness and love is really all we need. Maybe next year I’ll meet that somebody who will appreciate me and surprise me with how much they appreciate me. I want to be lead somewhere that I haven’t been. I want it to be worth what I give up. I want that hopeless, can’t live without her kind of feeling, I’ve been searching for that girl for so long that I hardly believe she exists.
But hope's a bitch isn’t she. ;)
Happy New Year Everyone!
