my mind rips away from me like a shallow tide, except it doesn’t crash back harder than before. it keeps receding and receding. its as if i tied an anchor to just one side of my body, in a consistent effort to keep my guilt attached to me. the persistence of my infinite memories, in these moments seem to not only haunt – but fully plague me. i stare hazily into my familiar fog, thinking and rethinking my steps, my choice of words, imposing sarcasm, eye contact made, statements slowly spoken by you to a room of uncondemning faces. i think of who i really am, or who i really feel like – late at night when my knees ache so bad from anxious pacing, i have no choice but to sit and ring out my favorite lobed organ into a little box made for text.
mutual is a concept i cant seem to possess. i understand it completely, but it seems to always escape me. it dangles itself in front of me, it dances in front of my eyes, and voila. it dissipates, just like the company that came with it. my appendages all lay in a pile, ready for an architect to rebuild them into something more appealing.
someone once said my life dominated me; i liked that idea. back to square one, isnt so bad of an expression afterall. square one is a new shot, its the big abyss that holds the unknown, i am familiar with this crack. in my typical ways, i always cautiously wander around its borders, peeking down into it. keeping my balance. planting my feet firmly. but eventually, my curiosity gets the best of me. i always felt like a cat, after all. so it would, indeed be curiosity that kills me. i keep edging closer and closer, im on my hands and knees, crawling over the edge, and just then a gust of wind has me dangling inside the mystery’s mouth. i lose my grasp and swallow hard. gravity has always been so good to me.
acceptance, though a gluttonous process of thought; and passion and anger and love and will power and, and, and – never falls short of being miraculous.
i accept: that those that are blind to your beauty, always will be. that you wont ever be anyone but you. that you dont own a time machine (no matter how much as you search the internet for them on your bad days.) that your heart being too big isnt grounds for being taken advantage of. you have made mistakes. its okay to fight, if you feel it. only you can ever truly change yourself. that maybe its best, even if you dont want it to be. the shins probably dont put out music solely for you. butch walker, marc bianchi and devendra banhart, probably dont want to marry you. that you’re getting older and your childhood as you know it; is over. that “if its meant to be, itll happen,” that its okay to want to forget people, and secretly still love them, no matter what the circumstances. that its especially okay to forget the ones that really hurt you. that you got the ultimate revenge, just by being happy in those moments. that sometimes, it just takes, time.
