It was an epiphany of sorts; the kind you get that sets you thinking. An epiphany does not need to be a thought of depth; it does not need to be complicated or difficult to comprehend. In fact, it can be the simplest thing on earth that reels you into a head-smack moment when you think, how could I have been so stupid not to have figured this out earlier? Anyway, this is what I discovered for myself today.
Right now, every day of my life is the summation of torture- some of it a causation of my selfish desire for social gratification some of it beyond my control but decisions made or not, I’m bending and perhaps already broken beyond simple repair. I hate how when I examine every tendril and lock of what appearance wise, appears to be my ‘desirable’ livelihood, I can dissect its anatomy into a single word; shallow.
Everything that I am, have become, am becoming, am facing, am feeling, is the result or application of that word. It’s not true what they say- if I am talented, smart or good looking my life will be better. I am hardly any of those things, simply as close to them as I can possibly be for myself right now (because honest to god? I try so fucking hard) but I can tell you that it is not enough. Not even close to enough. because when you’re done putting on your clothes and doing your hair, when you’re done with your purchase of new getup or wants, when you’re done with running your bones dry, you have nothing.
My life is in short, a day of preparations. Prepping to go out, looking half decent, exercising to look better, reading to strengthen my knowledge. Everything has an immediate and future endpoint, future in terms of succeeding in any skill set you endeavour to master without knowing sight of its ceiling. I do not recall a time I lived a life I can claim as fulfilling, I shall not use the word purpose because if I never do anything if it achieves nothing. But yes, fulfilling. When I sleep easy and wake up happy. Those days are behind me, and often I wonder if I’ll ever get them back again.
I want to wake up knowing who I am, and actually be okay with that. I want to go through the day a bundle of hope and joy, regardless of the troubles ahead. I want to laugh out loud and with real intention, instead of that fake smile I have mastered to deceive anyone and everyone I choose to come into contact with that day. I want to be okay. Okay with life and its hindrances and shortfalls. Okay with my imperfections, and yet striving. I want inspiration.
I am not asking for much. Yet sometimes I think that the simplest joys in life are the hardest to attain. God help me if I collapse while trying, but I am going to try. Someone once told me that the most important things of a person’s life are achieved as he tries while there appears to be no hope at all. I will be this person.
If anything, I will die trying. A good friend also said, that a life lived purposefully and fulfilled is one lived without the owner even noticing this success. But only when this is lost, does one start to notice how empty his life is. So that is a reason enough to hope, to remember that at some point you did live as you desire to now, and thus not give up.
