These are the words I could never say to you.

No, I'm not giving up,
I'm not quiting.
I'm letting go. 
This time I know,
Its out of my hands.

For my entire life I have longed for love. 
I knew it was not right for me to want or expect it. 
But I did, 
and this unjustified desire has been at the root of every problem that I have experienced in my life. 

Right now,
all I know is how I feel,
and all I know is I feel dead
Make of it what you will.

What I need you to understand
is that every time I say to myself,
I love you,
I also say, it doesn't matter.

I never told you before about
how I loved you, and how angry
I was when I figured it out.
It seems denial can only get you so far.

You see
The thing is everyone tells me I can do better
and I know I can do better
But I don’t want better
I just want..

So when you asked me,
if I was ok,
I’m not
But I will be.