So I’m alone again. It’s been a while since I opened this
page. Maybe I was happy for that while. But honestly I don’t know. Dysthymia has gotten the best of me again. This time I think I have
forgotten how to love. It is not that I do not want to. It is just.. I don’t feel
much anymore these days.
I’ve torn myself open and gave so many bits
of my heart away that there was nothing left for you. I’ve sewed myself up so
many times that all I feel is numbness now. It seems like there is only one
thing I can love now:
Melancholy. It’s a strange feeling of comfort. It’s the
reason I can’t love anything, or anyone. Time has allowed me to get good at faking
emotions, laughter, tears, anger, frustration, just to fit in society. And I think
I’ve done really well with it. I have social groups, I have connections, I even
have admirers. I’ve faked so many emotions that sometimes I do not know if I’m
experiencing them or not. In all truth, I sometimes wonder if I feel anything
at all.
Melancholy isn’t a state of sadness to me, rather an endless
wave of emptiness. The comfort that I hold no connections to anyone or anything.
That my life is my own to live or die if I wish so. The feeling that nothing
can tie me down. I want to be alone in this world. But yet I cant. If I were to
be stuck in the 5th dimension like Matthew Mcconaughey, I think I
will feel right at home. Away just away from everything. No connections, no
friends, no lovers, just an endless emptiness. I would like to live in such a
place.
Oh look tears. I don’t know why these are falling. I did not
love you. I could not love you. Neither am I feeling that sharp pain in the
chest people associate with heartbreak. This is new to me. Ha. Maybe, somehow, I’ve
soften up. A little, maybe. Ah they stopped. I count 3.
This is frustrating. I want to love, I want the feeling of butterflies
in my stomach. I want a deep personal connection with someone. I want to smile
simply because I saw her face. I want that feeling whereby everything else doesn’t
matter because we are together.
Have I harden my heart so much that it’s too late for me? This
thing beating in the middle of my chest, has it become so cold? Ice-nine. I
think that’s what resides deep within me. Pumping devil’s water through my coal
veins.
Will someone come along and recite the lyrics to Coldplay’s
Fix you to me? Cause I’ve tried my best I swear. And I don’t know what else I can
do. Fix me! I dare you to! Just remember the world ended because of Ice-nine. That’s
what resides within me so approach with caution.
And if you are reading this, I’m sorry. I really am.
